The end of pain and the start of change.

*Warning: Content may contain images of blood*

So, I took my time thinking of what my first post should be. I’ve brainstormed until my head hurt because I feel like there’s so many things I would love to share that have helped me, interest me, or things I want to share with the tribe. But I figured my first post should be more of who I was, what that did to my life, and how I got where I am now because this has been a pretty big transformation. I put on a brave front on social media but if you really knew me or saw more of my intimate posts, you knew I was basically one foot in the grave.

I don’t want to get into the gritty details because that’s one long story to be honest. But long story short, a little over six years ago I had my ears stretched to an inch but wanted to go bigger. I knew that a professional (typically a piercing who has studied more intense body modification such as scarification, implants, suspension, etc.) could use a scalpel and cut my lobes larger so I began the hunt to find someone in my area who could do it.

At the time my friend was an apprentice at a shop in Iowa City. The owner who was a piercer there also would scalpel lobes. Trust me, not easy to find in Iowa. So my friend vouched that he had done a ton, he did good work, it was a good shop, and he would be there with me the whole time. It was a tad sketch due to the fact we arrived after the shop had closed and we couldn’t film until after he gave me the injections in my ears. Most likely because he shouldn’t have access to medical grade numbing injections. I was told to bring diabetic needles (I was a pharmacy technician at the time and needles can be purchased by the pack over the counter). At the time I was engaged, but he is now my ex. My ex supported my choice and drove me the two hours to the shop after he got off work.

Two hours later, swollen ears, and covered in blood we made our way home. About forty-five minutes I was no longer numb. Within less than 24 hours I hadn’t been able to sleep and my lobes were black. They were removed at the ER. Eventually a friend hooked me up with her mom who is an amazing doctor and she took over care. Basically I had open, infected, painful open wounds leaking infection into my brain stem and down my neck. I was seen at multiple facilities, on so many drugs I can’t count. And I had completely given up on my life. I was beyond depressed, I was a zombie. I cried daily, I wasn’t taking care of myself (my ex was showering me, cleaning my ears, doing everything that needed to be done). The narcotics were turning me into a different person, I was even asked to switch stores where I had spent almost seven years working. Once a good friend told me I was ruining my life I went off narcotics.

I buried my hatred, my pain, how much I hated the man who I felt turned me into a monster, the fear, everything inside. I was basically a black hole. I wanted to die and multiple suicide attempts followed throughout the next six years. I tried to pretend the pain wasn’t there, I tried to deal with it, and I tried to move on. The pain turned into drinking, I had injured my dominant (right) hand so my job put me on FMLA. I eventually was kicked out of the system and had a hard time finding a job.

For the next few years, I worked anything I could get. I even worked armed security and managed to get myself post concussive syndrome. I worked loss prevention until a very traumatic, personal event made it impossible to go to work, to be near the place it all happened. I worked at a call center until I was fired for missing too many days due to illness.

I had been searching for my purpose, my passion. I love psychology but hated the school I started at and didn’t feel smart enough to go to a state school. I knew I wanted to help people so I started running through the ways I could do that and what I was capable of. Eventually I decided on massage therapy school. But being the bad luck it seems I am prone too, my ears began to hurt more and more. Eventually I believe the cold killed off the last few blood feeders to my lobes and they hurt so bad I became desperate. It was around 11 at night on October 30, 2017 that I made the decision to remove my own ear lobe. I had spoken to every surgeon in my area and they said no to me.

I did not make this decision lightly. I had studied the anatomy for months. I had it all in front of me and I made my choice where cuts should be done and where to avoid. The pain became immense, the pain was all I could think about. My mind was racing. I kept thinking of the PTSD flashbacks, the smell of the blood coating my hair, the pain that had kept me in the dark and hindered my education for nearly six years. I didn’t know if my insurance would last long enough for me to keep talking to surgeons, to plead my case and hope someone would give in and help me out, but there was no hope for me anymore. I removed a brand new straight razor from the box, got loads of tissues and towels, took a deep breath and began the first of four cuts.

I did the left lobe, closest to the face and about halfway through, the blood began pouring down my neck. Panic started, I checked my anatomy, I knew I was nowhere near any major arteries, so I finished the cut, applied pressure and moved on to the next. The right ear went quicker, I held pressure until the blood slowed and formed some makeshift bandages. A friend drove me to the ER just to be cautious and everything was good. No stitches were needed, no pain killers, just a script for antibiotics. I stopped into my doctor two days later to grab a refill script and asked her to take a look. She was surprised I was able to do such clean cuts and everything looked really good. We hugged and with a bit of tears coming out, I managed to get out “Thank you so much for everything you have done”, she just hugged me back and said she was sorry she couldn’t do it for me, that I couldn’t be numb and have someone else do it.

Now, let’s get to the important part. For the first time in six years, I HAD NO PAIN. The nerve pain was gone. It was like being woken from a nightmare. I had no idea who I was. I felt like a completely different person. If my brain was a computer, it had just rebooted. Suddenly everything I was, the person I had been, the things I had done, was completely changed. I was a blank slate. I had hope for the first time in my life.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to change, and I wanted that change to be permanent. I had spent years reading all kinds of books, school had taught me self-care, which led me to self-love and self-worth. I am an obsessive note taker, so I went through all the notebooks I had compiling and organizing everything I had learned and I started trying things I had read about. In three months, I have made more changes than even I thought possible, I’ve formed healthy habits, I’ve lost almost forty pounds, I started to work out, I was a new person. Hence, using Lobeless, I no longer feel like my birth name fits me, that’s who I was and I am a brand new person. I’m ready for a new life, a fulfilling life, a life that I can be proud of.

Now you know how Lobeless Lady was born, well created, and what I’m doing. What I want to share with you and if you want to give it a go, I would love to hear how what I’m doing or trying is working out for you. Sorry for this crazy long post but now you know.

Welcome to Lobeless Lady. I cannot wait to see what our tribe can contribute. Vibe higher, tribe.