Switch it up: Negative to Positive.

So I made a promise to everyone who reads this site along with myself that I would be truthful about everything. I am open and honest about traumatic events, I don’t sugar coat things because I don’t feel like things should be sugarcoated. Trauma is a wound and you can cover the wound in a thousand different way but the wounds are there and those are my battle scars. They show me that I survived.

So I want to talk about the difficulties we face in life. I’ll obviously be talking about some of mine but use them to hopefully get a point across.

For almost two years I’ve been a student in massage therapy school. Now this is a big deal because when I first started I completely loved what I was doing, felt like I had found my calling. But like everywhere in the world, there’s always that click of “mean kids”, the “cool kids” who feel they need to have an opinion on things that they have no right to judge. Then the old teachers began to retire and new ones were brought in and I couldn’t click with them or had trouble learning from them. Perhaps because they were younger, different generation than the older teachers, or I felt they approached things wrong.

So I’m having trouble at school. Then I meet a guy right before he ships off to Iraq. He asks me on a date a year from then when he gets home, we had a fun half day together to I say yes and we talk every day. We video chat, we make YouTube video’s when we can’t, I made a playlists of songs that mean something to me. He wants to be exclusive, I try to explain why it wouldn’t work and it would be a bad thing, he tells me I’m wrong and we are exclusive. Fast forward a few weeks and we’re having problems because it’s hard to build the foundation of a relationship from halfway across the world.

So now we have school and boy problems. While I was in school for almost a year I was on department approved training, basically meaning I was paid unemployment to attend school and wasn’t required to job hunt. I was given money weekly and that money cut out. I looked for a job I could work with school for a while but finally decided it was just best to accept what was being handed to me and focus on school. I was taking classes, reading textbooks, trying to conquer the fear that I wasn’t good enough or I was a waste, and I’m not the kindest to myself all the time. Anyway, much like unemployment, the benefit money ran out and I had no money coming in. I was job hunting like crazy but couldn’t seem to get hired anywhere.

Then on top of it all, I get sent to my local ortho surgeon only to be told I would most likely not finish school. I get sent to hand therapy for a month, I do that and it makes my wrist worse which spreads to my hand and elbow. I go in for a recheck about a month later with the main surgeon and he basically says massage therapy in not in my future and asking if I have a backup plan. He feels awful about taking a 28 year old away from something I’ve worked so hard for so long for, so he stuck me in a cast for six weeks to allow for no movement in hopes the soft tissue has a chance to heal. But most likely, I won’t be able to finish school.

So now I’ve got double school, boy, and money problems. On top of that, a friend committed suicide, so I was dealing with grief. Everything just seems to be building up and crushing me. I feel like I’m downing which was hard because at the end of October is when I started changing myself for the better and suddenly I’ve got all this negative stuff consuming my life. I was taking a beating. I was letting it win.

But it’s a new me, or trying to be a new me. So I start thinking, how I can flip these negatives into positives. So I start breaking things down piece by piece and trying to look at it from a non-biased point of view.

First problem, school, which really is two separate problems. Now I don’t love relaxation/Swedish massage, following a sequence and just doing the nice fluffy stuff. Sure, relaxation is awesome, but I’m a problem solver. I had some big plans, a whole new idea I wanted to try that isn’t being done currently. I had taken time to research all components involved and it could have made me a big deal and allowed me to work with tattoo artists. I love the body modification community and have wanted to be involved since I was sixteen. But I could never find a piercer to teach me and I have no drawing skills. So I thought to myself, what can I learn from having to quit school or take a long break (but since I can’t change the anatomy I was born with, most likely just quitting school) and I just have to believe that this is the universe telling me I wasn’t made for being a therapist. I can still practice reflexology, Iowa doesn’t require a license for that but I haven’t promoted that as something I do or try to get any work with that.

Second problem, boy problems. Most of the dudes who talk to me either want to more than friendship and less than a relationship. I currently have zero interest in sex. Once Iraq told me it wasn’t working out with him being far away and he wasn’t sure the sex thing would work for him, obviously being stuck in the desert you can get a bit lonely. I took some time thinking and got back to him. I thanked him for being a friend to me when I needed one, helping me with money, giving someone to talk to and a whole bunch of other stuff. He was/is such an amazing friend and he has been so selfless, he will never understand how much that means to me. So yeah, it sucks being dumped but I was right and honestly I expected it. Being away from someone for so long is hard so we decided to stay friends and be there for each other. While he doesn’t reach out of me as much, I still reach out to him making sure he knows I care.

Third problem, money. I had no money for rent. I didn’t want to tell my mom (the only family in my life) because I knew she would try to find a way to help me even if that meant things would be rough for her. So I went through everything I had and tried to find anything I could sell. I searched Youtube and the internet for tips on living in your car, found somewhere to stash my stuff if it came to that. I talked to my landlord and explained that I filled all the holes in the walls, I had been repainting and I was taking care of the place and I would really like to stay. He agreed to work with me but didn’t even notice the amount of work I put into making this place look so much better than it did before. At least all the stuff I’m doing keeps me busy. I applied or a million jobs and finally got an interview. They’re running a background check and waiting to hear on when my drug test is coming up. So I’ll be working again soon hopefully.

Dealing with my friend leaving this world has been rough, I still mourn him but I haven’t lost many people in my life. So I just realize that takes time and I’m dealing with it slow and steady.

Looking at how stressed I was over all these problems and how ready I was to give up, I still am surprised at how I’m still functioning. While all of these things hurt and they’re rough, I’m dealing with it. But when you think about it, when these things come up, you can look at them in one of two ways. You can either stress yourself out thinking it’s the end of the world or you can look at them as a fork in the road or a new opportunity. A chance to change things. The world giving you a brand new chance.

Choose wisely, take time to think through your options and don’t rush. If you need to, like I did with my wrist before they braced it for six weeks, I allowed myself one day to mourn then promised myself I would try my best to be positive about everything. I didn’t imagine I would spend all this time going school then end up waiting to hear back from a gas station. But maybe this just means I’ll find my passion in management or work my way to district or corporate. Perhaps I’ll go to school for something business related. All of these things forced me to look at my life and realize the simple things.

I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, I have clothes to wear, I have two amazing cats I get to keep, I get to sleep in my bed every night, I get to keep the modern luxuries and soon, I should be having paychecks, paying bills on time, saving money, and continuing to search for my passion. I’m just looking for that thing that ignites my soul. So keep your head up, if you can’t find the positive in the negative right, shoot me an email, and we can look at it together, or write out a list of the good and the bad. There’s beauty everywhere, look around you. Look at the small things, do what you have to do to see the good and know, I’m right there with you.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeless