Money VS Value. (updated)

Look around your room, house, and closet. How much do you have?

Is it serving you or slaving you?

If I gave you two options, a stack of cash or a trip to somewhere unknown, which would you choose? The money so you could spend it on what you want or the trip for the experience? In experience you gain valuable experience and memories no one can take from you.

I had a scare this past week. I found an eviction notice taped to my door but with a post it note to talk my landlord because he wanted to work things out. Not to brag, I’m a person you want to rent your property to. I've been here for two years in April and have never been late. I was only a few days short but I knew I wouldn’t have enough money to pay rent, it so I had let him know ahead of time.

So I shot him a text and he asked to chat Monday (keep in mind I tried to have an actual face to face meeting two weeks prior to all of this) so I had some days to kill since I had the weekend off from work. So to keep my mind busy and didn’t drive myself crazy thinking about it, I began to pack. Take things off the wall, put things in boxes, really dive into everything. I love in a very small studio apartment with a closet/built in shelving area and bathroom.

So I’m sitting around with all this shit, and I think to myself, where did all this come from? Why do I have this? Of course I knew where it came from, I know why I had it, I knew what it cost, and just the thought was depressing of having to perhaps lug it from one location to another. I had even purged earlier that year. But found myself keeping things even when I didn’t know why. I’d get ready to throw something in a bag to get rid of then think “I model occasionally, perhaps I keep that” or “I found that at a flea market, I’ve never seen anything like it, I can’t just throw it away” and into a box it went.

When you have less space than the average human, you notice the clutter even more. On top of the overwhelming “I have nowhere to go, I’m going to have to live in my car…in an Iowa winter and get rid of my cats”, I was basically in tears while I packed. So much of the stuff that I was packing was all massage school stuff, Which broke my heart, since I was forced to drop out due to an injury.

I’ve spent nearly two years of my life and probably close to fifteen grand chasing my passion. I have all my tools, my table, my text books, my notebooks, everything to show that that I really gave it my all, for once in my life. But due to having Ulnar Impaction Syndrome, a degenerative wrist condition, I was forced to drop out. I was so close to being finished with something and having to give it up broke my heart. I don't finish a lot of things I start.

Then a switch flips, why has money become such a major factor in my life? For years, money meant nothing. I paid my bills, I didn’t save, I bought what I wanted or did what I wanted without ever thinking about money. But now, and perhaps it’s the fact I don’t have money right now which I’m not used to, I look at things and think how much is this worth? My brain gets even darker when I think, what am I worth? If I couldn’t get a job, I seriously considered becoming a cam girl just to make money. How much would people pay to watch me do different things? How much would I hate myself? How do I stop putting so much importance on money instead of experience? Yes I spent a lot of money on school, but the experience of everything was so much more valuable.

If I find something that I love, that sets my soul ablaze again, will the constant worry of the money taint it's value? Perhaps I’m not concerned about money at all but the value. The value of everything. Or my lack of appreciating the value of things in my life.

I guess it really is all in the perspective.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeless