Modern dating is bullshit.

So no topic is off limits to Lobeless lady. After some thought I decided I want to talk about modern dating, courtship, flirting, and who am I kidding? Sex.

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Now depending on your age (pre or post internet) dating has always been around. As a little girl I watched romance movies and that’s what I expected. I expected some funny, charming, and attractive man to see me for who I really was and sweep me off my feet. Really win me over with some grand gesture proving that I meant the world to him, that I was the only girl he saw, that I was the only one who matter.

Middle school is around the time the internet started really kicking in with things like AIM and what not. High school we got Myspace and Facebook. Fast forward a bit and we have apps for dating. I’m only twenty-eight but I can see how fucked up everything about this is. There’s no romance, no flowers, no men greeting you and escorting you to your door, no goodnight kisses, no love letters, no grand gestures, and sometimes I wonder…is there even love anymore?

Instead of finding someone through friends, family, hobbies, in public, by accident, whatever the chance may be of finding another soul to connect with but instead I am downloading an app. I’m picking my best photos, I’m telling you my best qualities but no one tells the complete truth, the only show you the highlight reel. I pick how far away I want to travel to meet someone. I view picture after picture, perhaps I read a bio if one exists or ignore the bio and base all my assumptions on if you’re attractive. (One thing that always strikes me as funny is it seems like every single dude on there is constantly outside adventuring. They're doing these great things, when in reality, they're probably playing video games or watching netflix.)

Maybe we chat a bit here and there, we laugh, we exchange photos, maybe we meet or run into each other or maybe we just skip that and plan a day to “hangout” because no one wants to call it a date anymore. We don’t plan something fun or exciting, we hit a bar or pick one of our places to watch movies. Except you’re (and honestly this could go for either person, I’m just basing off my experience) not looking for a partner. You're looking for your slam piece, you new fuck buddy. Most times it comes down to that, put out or get out.

I made a decision probably a year or more that I didn’t want to have sex. I wasn’t even considering it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have sex or perhaps I just need a real connection with someone. I reflected on my life, and every time I’ve had sex I realized I’ve had to be fucked up. I haven’t had sober sex in years. I don’t know if it’s due to trauma I’ve experienced or the sexual abuse suffered as a child or just feeling used.

Since making this decision I’ve “dated” two guys who knew I didn’t want to have sex. I told them they could sleep with others but they didn’t want to sleep with anyone else. I tried to explain it wouldn’t work, I knew them and I knew they were sexual, they would not be satisfied being in a sexless relationship. Both told me over and over how it wasn’t important but both broke up with me because of lack of affection or not thinking they could be in a relationship without sex.

I said no to meeting people online because of one terrible encounter that ended with a hospital visit and a fistful of pills, clothes in a bag, pride on the floor, and self-hatred. When I didn’t want to meet guy right away, slowly but surely they ghosted me. I feel like I’ve missed opportunities but I also felt like I was being smart and taking care of myself.

Like any other girl in the world, I’m not looking for a fairy tale. I’m not looking for prince charming. I’m looking for someone who sees all my faults but can see the beauty in them. The ones who cheer me on when I’m down. The one I support when they take on a new adventure, big or small. The one who holds my hand and keeps me close when I’m scared. The one who see my scars, the stories on my body and admires them like a suit of armor. Someone who chooses me to be their partner, who can sense my loyalty and see all the love I have to give and wants that same thing. But I don’t think that exists anymore.

We have all this technology to stay in touch, making everything so simple yet everyone hates talking on the phone. Video chats are most always out of the question. What are we left with? Texts. Sending them back and forth until we find time to meet up. And by meet up, I mean see their slam piece, hang a few hours and go home.

We’re a generation of people who have lost touch. We’ve been taught stranger danger, we’ve been taught not to show our emotions as they are weakness, taught that our bodies are our tools and not our minds. We’re taught that our value comes from what others give us. We’re taught that if we tell how we feel we’re crazy or possessive or clingy. And it’s WRONG. Humans were not meant to live like this. At least not in the world I want to be a part of.

I want to find a person who sets my soul on fire. Who makes me want to be a better person, makes me want to dream, create, to be someone’s partner. I want someone to face the darkness with me, hand and hand, ready for anything. I want someone who can make me laugh. I want someone to hold me close, stroke my hair and tell me they love me after a bad day. I want someone to mean it so much they can’t imagine a world without me in it, someone that suddenly takes the loneliness, the heartbreak, my past and it doesn’t mean a thing. I want to do that same thing for them. I want to be strong and loyal while he takes on the world. I want to build a life together, small pieces at a time built on trust and eventually love.

Whoever you are, whoever is reading this, don’t let anyone make you think less of yourself. Don’t think that you have to sleep with someone just because they’re attractive or you feel that's the only way to keep someone around. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not having sex with them. You are worth so much more than you let yourself think and I truly hope each and every one of you and myself find a love that sets us ablaze, who wipes your tears, who cheers you on, who makes you feel like you’re more than just another lay. You’re someone worthy and I hope more than anything that you find that someone. I hope I do too.

Vibe Higher, Lobeless Lady