It's Okay to not be okay.

So this week has been trying. I lost another person I loved deeply (even through years and distance) to suicide. While I know I’m not the only one mourning his loss, it made waves through an entire community. So many people loved and cared about him, yet I’m not sure any of us knew he was in pain.

That’s why I want to talk about the stigma surrounding mental illness. We say the word and shudder. People look at you differently, some assume things, some avoid you, some tell you that you need help, some people push medication, some people push going without, but the truth is, unless you’re dealing with the illness, it’s none of your business.

When I tell someone I suffer from DID ( Dissociative identity disorder) I notice the looks or reactions. I may not call them out but I see them. DID was formally known as multiple personality disorder. When DID is shown in movies, shows, or written about in a book they make it seem like a part of that person could be a murderer or something equally as evil. They don’t realize that throughout my entire life, starting at three months old, I have encounter trauma after trauma. When your brain is young and developing it finds a way to cope, to shield you from the pain that’s happening. So when you think about DID, think of a kaleidoscope, at the center is a clear image, which is my normal everyday self, and surrounding it are the same image but distorted, flipped, out of focus…each of those pictures is a part of me stuck in a traumatic moment. When I encounter something my mind perceives as a threat, one of those distorted images takes over the “real” me and handles the situation until the “real” me can take over. This causes loss of memory, confusion, perhaps even a reaction not deemed normal if you’ve never seen me in this state.

I spent almost two years in massage therapy school and trust me when I say, I think everyone has a breakdown of some sort during their time in school, which can be healing but it’s also overwhelming. The school has rules in place and the co-owner is always a phone call or maybe a few feet away to talk. I was one of the ones that not only had one breakdown but multiple breakdowns. I can’t count the amounts of times I cried or had to tell someone to quit touching me, had to walk out the classroom, or couldn’t drag myself to class. This is the norm for me.

And this is just something that happens, no medication can make this go away, I have yet to have any reaction with therapy, and I may never. My brain converted from a normal, healthy, growing brain of any child and developed coping mechanisms to handle what it could not, and it’s automatic, I have no control over the flips. But I’ve never been a danger to others.

I’ve also been asked about the amount of scars on my body, and some are easy to distinguish as suicide attempts. People tip toe around the subject but still make it an obvious point to avoid it. I realize when you’re giving a full body massage but you skip over my right wrist or avoid my rib cage. And when I performed surgery at home to remove my lobes, a massive amount of people reached out to me thinking I was in trouble, perhaps I was suicidal because what kind of person cuts off their own ear lobes or shred their wrist?

The answer is simple. A desperate person.

That same answer can be applied to suicide, self-harm, or any other "insane" action done by a person. Now I can't say that's the answer for everyone, or for everything. Self-harm can be a way to control a life that feels out of control, it can be a way to escape from something, it can even be a psychological thing. I'm not an expert, I'm simply a person with an opinion shaped by the world that I live in. Every single time I've tried to commit suicide (and yes, that means more than once), I was in a panic. I couldn't see a clear picture, I was scrambling around with so much noise in my head and so much pain in my heart that I didn't know what else to do.

Everyone says reach out if you need help. In my experience with myself and friends, we do reach out but no one wants to call anyone and say "I've got razor blade to my wrist/bottle of pills/a rope/a gun/whatever and I want to kill myself". I would never want to make that call to someone, because that puts that person in an impossible position. If you do kill yourself, do they put the blame on them because you reached out? If you don't, what's your next step? Should you hand your life over to someone and trust they know how to handle it. I've known people who have lost friends who don't know how to deal with these things, what to say or do. I also know people who can talk another person off a ledge. But to me, I've never made that phone call and I'm not sure I ever could.

Instead, I reach out when I notice the depression is getting worse. When I know that if things continue to build up, I will crack and I never know what will happen then. I don't know what action I'll take. But I text friends, I'll post something to facebook (a bit passive aggressive, I'm sure, but I don't know how to say something like that or even risk triggering others), I'll call people, I'll ask people to hang out. But almost every single time I've done that, I get an encouraging text back, or perhaps a short conversation and then they're done and off doing something else because like everyone else, they have lives.They have things to do, kids to take care of, a job or school to attend, so many different things.

After a while, holding onto the edge of the cliff of my sanity, fingernails dug in, broken and bleeding, I let go. I know no one is coming to save me. I know I haven't nurtured the friendships I've made and I've destroyed many through multiple different ways. I fall into depression and that's when things can go wrong, take a turn for the worse, lead me to do something I don't want. And that is no one's fault, it's not my friends fault for not saving me.

So, I guess as a person who lives with mental illness and has attempted suicide, the best thing I recommend to others is simple. Pay attention, listen, trust your instincts, reach out more, learn about signs if you worry about friends, and perhaps even save the information on you're phone so you can give it out if you ever need too. While I believe the government is failing us in mental health care, people are denied insurance or even help sometimes, even when they need it most. There are resources available for those who need help. I'll leave them below.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help Crisis Text Line: Text Home to 741741

Or simple call 911 letting them know you are suicidal and need help.

Please, reach out. I realize the pain is so intense, it hurts so much, you can't see an end but this end is one you don't want. Most every survivor of suicide wishes they didn't try. Though it may not feel like it, people love you, they will miss you, it will affect people you never thought it would affect. It can devastate your family, your friends, your community, you work or school, or even ex-friends, along with people you've made friends with online. You matter, so please, reach out.

If you ever want to talk more in detail about anything, contact me using the link above. I'm always open to talking, listening, and giving advice or contact resources.

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. HAVE HOPE.

Rest in Peace, Peter Paps. You were one of a kind, an amazing soul, and you made everyone feel special and loved. You impacted my life so much, the way you saw the world. You will be severely missed by everyone.