Sad Girl Rant #1

3 Jobs. That’s how many I’ve lost in a month. Thanks Mental Illness.

One due to incorrect training and asking me to do something that’s clearly stated in the handbook and if found out, could cause job loss. I wouldn’t bend or break my morals.

The second one, after I gave them my medical accommodation form, I received a call the next day telling me I was no longer employed with the company.

The third, because of medication I had recently started that caused me to become extremely ill. I came up with about a hundred different ways I could contribute and work there but it wasn’t good enough and I was let go.

So what is a girl supposed to do? Luckily with my tax return I was able to pay all my bills, but I owe the state $638 which I don’t think I’ll have. I’ve applied to, last I checked, 67 jobs and haven’t heard back from anyone.

Mental illness along with physical problems is ruining my life at a steady pace. As soon as things start to look up, life has this way of kicking me back down to remind me where I belong. I keep fighting, I’m staying persistent with this blog, not because it makes me any money, but it is a simple thing that gives me joy. It’s all my major way of connecting with the world.

For once, I’d like to pay my bills and have some money left over. I’d like to not have to worry about what I’m going to do to change things, make them better, whatever. I’ve spent the past five months trying to turn myself into a person I am proud of, and I’m am proud of who I’ve become. I’m not proud of not keeping a job though.

Begin Rant:

Some of my mental illness stems from things others have done to me. But they have not been punished, nothing in their life changed or got worse. I was affected while they’re life continued as normal. Why can a person sexual molest a child and because the court was tired of the trial “dragging” on they terminate his rights and have him pay child support, and not very much to say the least? Why can a person rape another person and the police neglect to do everything they can to help the victim? Why is a person allowed to torment and terrify a child causing massive phobias that last a lifetime or punishing them by making a little girl eat dog food? Or all the bullies at school that made my life hell or put me in the hospital but I had to leave school?

Why doesn’t life dish out more punishment to these people instead of the ones who were hurt and are trying their hardest to recover and flourish? Why can’t I find a therapist who cares more about helping me get better than the money they make off me per hour? Why didn’t I do more to change my life before now, now that I’m 28 years old?

My mother was a product of damaging parents too, and most likely damaging people aside from my father. Until recently when we were able to openly have adult conversation not as mother and daughter but as two women who both experienced some tragic things, I started to understand her more. Sadly history does repeat itself, perhaps not in the same manifestation but the hurt can travel through generations.

*INSERT* If you map out your parents and the traits they gave you, then their parents, and their parent’s parents. Also how your relationships with siblings was or if you were an only child. So three generations of how and what they taught you, distinguish the qualities you can form and see your love map. Your love map shows how you relate to others and partners you choose. Lots more can be told by your love map, feel free to google it and make your own if you want to see how it works. Basically aside from my mother I don’t speak to any other family so I’m not exactly able to form one, but they say you form your love map by the time you’re a child.

But back to my point. I was never encouraged growing up. I was actually told not to go to college. I was told men would only want me for sex. I’ve been told I wasn’t smart enough to get ahead at a job, or I was slutty for having sex when I only slept with a few guys I was dating. Growing up my self-harm cuts were cat scratches. Whenever I would see a doctor my mom would talk me out of medication, I’d see a therapist once or twice before we stopped going, I had a paralyzing fear of the dark and she worked two jobs and my brother was always gone. On multiple occasions my brother tried to kill me, he came super close once.

I hate being asked if I have a support system, because I don’t. A system implies more than one person and all I have in my mother. We’ve settled our differences now but I still feel like such a burden to her. I feel like a burden to a lot of people. Everyone says reach out when you feel suicidal but I’ve reached out more than once before and never found a hand to grab mine in the dark.

I hate going to interviews. I find interview tips conflicting, some say tell them about things that may come into account and some say not to mention mental illness. I had severe pain which caused huge physical and emotional tolls on me for six years so my work history isn’t anything to be proud of. I wrote a cover level trying to explain politely that I’ve spent the time from my last job working on bettering myself. Basically trying to explain that I was fucked up and I had to cut off my own earlobes to feel better.

I’m trying to rebuild my life, find a job I can keep, find friends to break the pattern of isolation I’ve created for myself, stay on medication despite side effects since this combination seems to be working, find a hobby or more than one, nurture my mind and spirit and become the person I know exists inside of myself.

The Bright Side: I know that trials and hardships are part of growing, but we know how much growing pains can hurt. I just want to get through these and grow, becoming a better person with each step. I’m trying to keep an open mind and open heart, not shut off my emotions and just robot through life. I want to feel it all, but I was emotionally shut down for so long, that I didn’t realize how much the pain hurt. How it would feel to do all this, but here I am.

I’ve been through too much to just give up and revert to the person I was or shut down. For some reason I’ve found the need to share my life and stories with you and somehow you’ve found your way to me. I hope what I write has helped someone in someway. I haven’t received much feedback from the sites but the numbers show that people are visiting and that’s enough for me. I don’t need hundreds of subscribers or comments. I just need to know that I’m doing my part in being the best person I can be and trying to share those things with you.

If you’re struggling too, please feel free to reach out to friends, family, or even me. Just keep going and pushing forward. Know the growth can be painful but you have to push through. Life works itself out.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeless