Relationship Killers

What is the most common problem in relationships today? I’ll give you a minute to think.

Technology. That’s the problem. While it allows us to make connections we may never have made before from friends, to jobs, to entertainment. We’re a generation of techy people. You would think with the fact that we have the means to make all these connections, that we would be better at communication. In reality we are worse.

As our phones get smarter, we get duller. Topping that off, our generation seems to lack basic communication and personal skills. We spend hundreds of dollars on a smart phone that gives us multiple ways to talk to each other. We have basic phone calls, texting, video chats, chat apps, and all different forms of social media. Now days when you meet people now (probably from a dating app) they ask for your facebook or snapchat. Occasionally a phone number so you can text, but heaven forbid you call or video chat.

What’s even more ironic is social anxiety is on the rise.

One huge problem I come across and have experienced in things getting lost in translation. When there’s a problem, you send it in a text message and then either both of you are going back and forth saying things you probably don’t mean or one person ignores the other. When it comes to problems or serious matters, I feel like I’m one of few who actually reach out with a phone call. Rarely do they answer but I take other’s feelings seriously and I cannot properly explain what I want to, in the way I want to, via text.

Here’s my recommendation:

• If an argument or something is said that upsets you while texting, avoid typing out giant responses. Give them a call or meet up, if possible.

• Remember that lots of things get misconstrued through writing. You cannot hear any inflection so something that was meant to be a joke could be misconstrued as cruel.

• When talking remember to reign your emotions in, keep your composure. The less you overreact, the better judgements you make. If you can keep your mind from racing with everything you want to say in the heat of the moment, you’ll say yourself more trouble down the line and be able to think clearly.

• If you are super upset, take some deep breathes to calm down, or give yourself a few minutes to calm down then talk to them.

• Evaluate the problem and think, is it really important? If it’s not important, then ignore the confrontation and move on. Humans tend to overreact when upset, but if you have to decide if it’s worth it or not.

• If you’re talking to someone it’s most likely and friend, family, or partner. So even when they’re difficult remember that the also have positive qualities. Sometimes you have to remind yourself why they’re important which may make the problem less important.

• Before getting angry, try to think of different views. Example: You text your partner and they don’t text back. Perhaps they’re at work, they’re with family, they left their phone somewhere, the battery died, or they just don’t want to talk and you can’t force someone to want to talk.

• People do what they do because of their own issues, so don’t blame yourself for their problems. Worry about your own.

• Difficult or aggressive people (again, friends, family, partners, and acquaintances) tend to flip the problem by placing attention to you, making you feel uncomfortable or inadequate, a tool used by people to dominate or control. You can either confront that or ignore it.

• A good rule of thumb: Control what you can, eliminate what you can’t.

Second problem. Emotional cheating. What’s that, you ask? I’ll give you a scenario of what I mean. I’m dating this guy and he upset me. Perhaps he said something cruel, forgot something important or any number of upsetting things. So then you text another guy, one you know who finds you attractive. You tell him how your boyfriend was mean to you and how upset you are. Then the guy comforts you, he tells you how you deserve better, how good looking you are, what a catch you are, maybe even tells you how much better he would treat you. You soak up all this attention and admiration to boost you back up. Then minutes, hours, days, whatever long later, you and your boyfriend are fine and you ignore the guy you were texting.

Or even worse, people who are in committed relationships but still have dating apps on their phone. Not because they forgot to delete them, because they use them to see what they’re missing out on. They might as well go to the bar and send a pretty girl a drink with their phone number on it.

Third and the worst, people who are still sending inappropriate photos or sexting another person while dating another. Usually someone in a different state, maybe they know about the significant other, maybe not. But sadly it happens.

On that note, The final thing I want to bring up. When you’re hanging out with your partner, PUT YOU FUCKING PHONE AWAY. Not on the table so you know if you got a notification. Unless you’re waiting for a super important call or text, there’s no reason you need to be stuck to your phone. How are you supposed to have meaningful conversation if your major concern is who liked your Instagram post? I have to imagine your partner is sick of you taking videos and photos of him every five minutes or video of you two in bed or something. You’re taking all these personal bonding moments, the ones you replay in your head when you miss them, and you’re sharing them with everyone else making it impersonal.

Even if your partner isn’t your forever, they’re your partner for now, which means you own they kindness, loyalty, respect and love. When I think of a relationship, it took me time to redefine what a relationship really is.

A relationship is a mutual understanding between two people based on a few things: Loyalty back and forth. You remain loyal in the face of temptation. You’re loyal when someone disrespects your partner. You have each other’s back. If one of you has a problem, the other one shows care and concern. They may be the type that wants to help in solving a problem or maybe they’re just the type to lend an ear. Either way, you know someone’s always watching out for you? You’re partners. Partners work together, partners support each other, partners hurt when the other hurts, partners are there for you 100%.

A relationship involves communication. You don’t need to text all day when you’re working then call and talk all night or spend every night together. But it’s checking in, it’s making plans, it’s letting them know they are needed, but more than needed, they’re wanted. Problems arise and instead of showing cruelty, you show them compassion. You discuss and talk about problems so both parties understand the other’s boundaries. Once the boundaries are established, you respect your partner’s boundaries.

Let me say this one last time, a little louder for those in the back…

A RELATIONSHIP IS A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO SEEK TO BETTER EACH OTHER NOT DESTROY EACH OTHER.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeles