New Relationships: Tips for a healthy start
Now that it’s warming up, people are going out more. More people means more connections and people to encounter. You may also find someone you’re attracted to, love is in the air! You find out there’s some mutual attraction and suddenly you’re going on some dates then it’s official. You found someone!
But having a healthy, strong relationship doesn’t come easy. You can’t just sit around and bask in the glory of an amazing relationship because that’s not how it works. They require being vulnerable, diligence, awareness, a willingness to allow them to be themselves and being present in the moment.
Here’s some tips to help the relationship become rock solid and supportive for both of you.
Deal breakers- one of the first things I believe is important, perhaps before even making it official, is figuring out what are automatic deal breakers. I see it over and over again, even in my own life, we find someone that’s close to our idea of perfect. Then we begin to see the cracks and flaws show, and suddenly, the perfect person, isn’t so perfect. By letting the other know right away what you’re willing to accept and what you can’t accept. We all have things that we refuse to change to accommodate another due to our morals, values, or even just what’s important to us. We want to believe we can handle anything, even if it’s something we despise. Maybe we secretly think they will change or that our attitude about a certain thing will change. It most likely won’t and then you’ll find yourself constantly annoyed or fighting.
Be yourself: We tend to show ourselves in the best light when we meet new people. In a few months there not going to see the highlight reel, they’re going to see the real you, including your flaws and other things we tend to hide. When we’re both showing the good side of things, we’re in the honeymoon phase and trust me. It doesn’t last. Perhaps compare lifestyle choices, goals, what they do in their free time, anything else important and think, does this match my answers? Compatibility doesn’t mean you agree on every single thing, but it means that they’re at least similar.
Listen and learn: New relationships are exciting! We get caught up in the glitter and glam of it all. Try not to get too caught up in that and make sure you’re listening to your partner, spend time learning who they are and what they value in a relationship. Spend time talking, bonding, and really learning who you invited into your life.
Honesty: I know, this seems obvious. Sadly, it’s not. We tend to leave the bad parts out, due to fear of rejection. They may love mountain climbing but you HATE being outside, don’t tell them you’re into mountain climbing. Again, it’ll come out eventually and your credibility is shot.
Be upfront: Tell them what you want. If you’re looking for a one time hook-up, a slam piece, long term relationship, casual dating, and monogamy. You both may be looking for something different so clarify so neither person is stuck with the hurt.
Meet the friends: By meeting your friends, you get an idea of who they are and also, how they’ll treat you around others. Do you notice a difference between how they treat you alone vs with their friends? Would you want to spend time with your friends? How did the friend’s treat you? Because the friend’s won’t be going anywhere.
Have Fun: Some people go from 0% to 100% within days of a relationship. They want to fast track everything, they want to be in love and they expect to find it as fulfilling as other relationships you see. You can’t rush things if you want it to last. So take the time to have fun with the other person and get to know them. Enjoy the journey together.
Don’t forget about you: When you start seeing someone, you become we. Some people forget they had a life before the relationship so when it ends, they’re lost in the rubble. Take time for yourself, know how to enjoy your own company. Also, don’t forget you had friend and hobbies. Allow yourself time away from your partner to continue enjoying the things that are important to you.
Hold off on the sex: Some people see having sex as a way to form emotionally intimacy through sex, when this happens, typically those relationships tend to fail because it’s a fake intimacy.
Boundaries: Everyone has boundaries, even if they don’t know it. Most just think of something as comfortable or uncomfortable. Our comfort level differs from private to public. It’s best you know what each other’s comfort level in both situation and respect their choice.
Create healthy Patterns Early: From the moment you meet, you form patterns and habits, consciously or subconsciously, with a person right away. These will continue forward for the duration of your time together. Once a pattern or habit has formed, they’re hard to break so be mindful of the dynamic set from the beginning.
Speak up: Being passive aggressive is not only annoying but it’s also not helpful. Instead of snide comments and a negative attitude, when you have a problem with something, tell your partner. When telling your partner how you feel, use statements like “I feel” instead of “You’re doing” to create an open dialogue, instead of placing blame.
Social Media: Do us a favor, spare us your dirty laundry. When fighting with your partner or they’ve upset you, keep it off social media. There’s nothing worse than seeing you were tagged in a post only to click it and find your partner has posted your fight online for everyone to read. If you share friends, you’re basically making them choose one of you. If you need to vent or talk, go to friend, not the internet. On the other hand, constantly posting cutesy couple photos constantly, save it. When someone clicks your profile, they don’t want to see a picture of you and your partner making out. Ugh, and the cutesy meme’s you tag them in every chance you get. It’s not cute, it’s more or less annoying to everyone. Its okay from time to time to post photos together, especially if you’re doing something new and exciting, but you two cuddling constantly in photos, a lot less cute.
Silent time: Aside from spending time apart, keep off your phone. You don’t need to text them constantly. Living a life that is separate from them is healthy. Make sure you have time to do you, not time to do you and stop every 30 seconds to text or snap back.
Loosen the leash: Being possessive of another person is simply a sign of insecurity and jealousy, those aren’t good traits. They just keep manifesting into darker emotions. You’ll either manage to push your partner away or you’ll isolate them, making them rely solely on you. Neither are good things. Both of you have to have a separate life for yourselves.
Grooming: Some people want to try to change their partner. This could be emotionally or physically. Both even. You chose to be with them, which means you accept who they are. Change comes within, it cannot be forced onto someone. Suggesting ways of improvement in communication or if they’re asking for your opinion is one thing, but when you try to change a person, you’re saying “Who you are isn’t good enough for me” and you shouldn’t be with them in the first place.
Believe what they say and show: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. Pay attention to how your partner speaks to your, the actions they take towards you, and how they make you feel. If they talk down to you, disrespect you, let you down more than once, or somehow have a negative impact on you…believe what they’re saying or doing. When we like someone, we tend to try to rationalize poor or abusive behaviors due to the attraction. They’re just having a bad day or you deserved what they said or did. Stop trying to rationalize, they’re showing you who they really are. If you try to approach the topic and they act irrationally, blame you, or get upset/disrespectful, respect yourself enough to leave.
Relationships are never free flowing like a river, they hit rocky patches, dry spots, and murky water from time to time. But if you can embrace the beauty of the current, learning how to navigate the water safely, you may find a relationship that lasts.
There are a few things you can for yourself before or during a rough patch in the relationship to help you get in tune with yourself first before making decisions.
Self-Reflection: Grab a notebook or any way to write/type and look inward to answer the following. Take an inventory of your feelings. How does the relationship make you feel? Are you being your authentic self with them or do you feel the need to show them the improved version of you for fear they won’t accept the real you? Does your partner encourage and support you to become your best self, reach your goals, pick you up when you’re down, or any other time? Where is the relationship heading? If you can’t see a future, they may not be the one for you or it may be time to move along in the best interest for both of you.
Avoid Comparison: Leave the past behind where it belongs. You have a new partner, it’s a new relationship, and it’s a whole new thing. Leave the baggage your ex left and embrace what your new partner has to offer. While you may consciously or subconsciously compare things like similar looks, traits, personality, or experiences. While you may encounter similarities, the outcomes will be completely different with a new person.
Get to know you: Take some time to think and explore who you are both emotionally and sexually. Without knowing what you need or want, you begin a relationship dependent on another. You should be able to communicate your emotional and sexual needs with your partner, so they can understand what you need and vice versa.
Get out of your head: We overthink and over-analyze even the smallest of things. Negative thoughts creep in, assumptions from what you’ve heard from others, rumors that circulate around. These could be about you or your partner. It’s best to start kicking those thoughts to the curb, they don’t serve you. Make your own assumption for yourself, not what others have and allow yourself to remain open minded.
You know what’s best for you, so if you begin a relationship and feel somethings off, explore what you think and talk to your partner. Or if things are going well, keep them well by maintaining them, not just fixing problems as they come and go. Trust your gut and your heart, let your brain do some work but not so much as to influence your feelings. Sometimes you just gotta trust that gut feeling and jump blindly off the cliff. You may just fall into love.
Vibe Higher,
Lobeless