Is your relationship healthy?
Imagine a huge crowd of people surrounding me, think of a festival. While the DJ is blasting some sweet music, a very hip research psychologist runs on stage, grabs the mic and yells out :
“HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE OR ARE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THROW YOUR HANDS UP?!”
so loud it vibrates your entire body. I glance around noticing all the couples throwing up their hands and yelling.
I’m the polar opposite. I should dig a hole and climb in it. I haven’t been in a single healthy relationship ever. I’m not even sure what ones looks like because I’ve never seen one.
I’ve watched people I know manipulate their partner to their benefit. I’ve seen screaming matches or worse, physical violence. I’ve watched those swiping right on dating sites while their partner was in the bathroom or at home. I’ve seen people lie about having to work or they have some obligation then go meet up with someone else. Most of all, I’ve watched people cheat then blame their partner.
And I’ve watched the partner accept it, forgive them, give them another chance, beg them to stay because they’ll change when they’ve done nothing wrong except taking the blame or staying with them.
So what is a healthy relationship? What should be included when you describe a healthy relationship? Most people don’t have any idea themselves so I did the work for you. So onward and upwards we go, my friends.
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship should be two people, with their own life space, that have chosen to tackle life together while looking forward together, while also looking at the world and how far they come. Fundamentals of a healthy relationship:
Separation of lives- this means two whole people (not two halves that “complete” each other” with separate lives come together to share their lives. It has to remain this way to stay healthy. Once you begin the blending of your two identities into one shared identities, you become co-dependent on each other. Without them, you don’t have a clear sense of self and it also stunts growth in partners.
Facing the same direction, not facing each other- A healthy partnership requires both partners to live life with each other, not live life for each other.
Accept them for who they are- Often in a relationship, especially a newer one, one person has a control over the other, or perhaps both have some control over the other. So frequently we want the “best” for our partner and we start trying to help them be the best or have the best of life. But our version of what’s best is probably not the same version for them.
Be teammates- Facing the same direction simply means that you support, care, listen, communicate, and allow them to be themselves and to make their own choices. Even better, if you and your partner share similar values, virtues, general life belief, and self-goals, you’re not only partners, you’re on the same team. A team requires people to work together to achieve a common goal, so that means your partner will support you.
Trust- Without trust, a relationship will not last. Gaining trust means being consistent and most of all, remember trust isn’t given it’s earned by proving yourself to be trustworthy. Once you’ve earned trust, you also have to keep that trust. Trust is a huge factor in connection within a relationship.
Perception and attention- Try to pay attention to the positive qualities, actions, and words your partner says. The more you pay attention to these things, the more you’ll see them without having to look. When you can interrupt your partner’s actions, intentions, and words, which will affect how you understands situations with them which can prevent arguments or disagreements.
Have fun- When couples who engage in exciting and enjoyable activities together, they have greater satisfaction from before to after the activity. If you can’t enjoy activities with your partner, then why would you want to be with them?
Own your happiness- People constantly think if only they had this one thing, they would be happy. Happiness has nothing to do with external things. After basic necessities for survival are met, the aspect of happiness is up to us. Romance adds pleasure into life but we are in charge of our happiness.
Harmony- Happiness is a choice we have to choose to make. Two independently happy people create a harmonious environment to thrive in together.
Open Communication- Couples that make time to check in on a regular basis are happier and more trusting of their partner. If you keep things to yourself to prevent hostility, you’ll begin to harbor resentment towards your partner.
Honesty and Transparency- Even happy, healthy couples encounter misunderstandings. Approaching misunderstanding by being direct, use a calm and open voice and body language, speak face to face, be completely open and honest when you share your thoughts and feelings, use a calm voice and open body language when discussing the misunderstandings. This can keep a misunderstanding from turning into a full blown fight.
Compromise- Balance creates harmony. Keeping balance in life and relationships is the same, harmony. Both partners should put in the same amount of work in the relationship but realize that occasionally one person may require more care and attention when dealing with a tough time or illness. It can make you feel like you’re putting in all the work, but remember, if it’s a healthy relationship, the next time you need the extra care, your partner will be “picking up the slack”. The goal is a healthy balance between partners, it’s a give and take along with understanding.
Self-Care- While shared interests and time with your partner is excellent, but don’t forget to take the required time alone to De-stress, recharge, do your favorite activity, reflect, whatever you need. Remember to see yourself as an individual as a part of a couple, not just a part of your partner. Take care of you.
Agree to disagree- People naturally try to avoid conflict, healthy couples don’t like to fight with each other. You will disagree on certain things due to people having different life experiences and opinions. Part of maintaining a relationship means having conversations where your ideas and opinions are different. Remember to talk to your partner in a calm, caring way and agree to disagree, while still respecting their opinion. Different opinions and views on things are things that make people unique and interesting.
Practice Kindness- Our life can get chaotic very quickly. Problems can build up and we become stressed. We get so caught up what’s going on that we become quick to anger and can take that out on people around us. Sometimes we need to slow down, consider our partner how they’re feeling. Instead of taking it out of them, explain what’s going on. Don’t rely that they will solve all your problems but it helps to know they understand your stress and perhaps they can offer a new perspective.
Acceptance and Respect. Once you become a couple, you have the honeymoon phase. Once that phase is over, you will begin to see good and bad things about your partner because no one is perfect. This also means they’ll see the good and bad in you also. It’s important that both people hold their partner in a positive light. People in a happy relationship talk favorably about each other in social situations.
Basic Needs- The basic needs required and sought after in a relationship are companionship, affection, and emotional support. Healthy couples focus on meeting these needs along with any special needs their partner may have.
Responsiveness- Practicing responsive behavior promotes healthy relationships. Mutual responsiveness is what one should seek. To have a successful relationship, both partners need to support each other’s core needs and values.
Resolution- The way in which partners communicate and cope with issues affects the long term relationship quality and stability. Partner’s need to have excellent communication and mutual coping skills to communicate effectively. We must remember that negative events have a greater effect on us than positive events. People tend to remember when someone has hurt them as opposed to when someone did something nice for them.
Maintenance- If you want a healthy, happy, long-term relationship with someone, constant maintenance is what is required to keep it going. Problems will arise, fights will happen, people may come between you which is why you need to constantly check in and address problems and annoyances before they tear the relationship apart.
Predisposition- Each person brings their own basic qualities, personality, baggage, and temperament into a relationship. These can influence the relationship, your own, or your partner’s well-being. If there is something that will impact your partner, you should talk with them before or during and obviously, if it’s harmful to you or them, it should be worked on or you shouldn’t be in a relationship. If you’re bound to hurt yourself or your partner, the relationship will not survive.
So, as you can see, having a happy, healthy relationship isn’t exactly easy. But it is worthwhile. Humans crave love, attention, and a lot crave commitment.
I hope you all find the love you want and deserve. I’ve been working on myself for six months and within that six months I have found many things that would destroy a relationship or maybe even destroy the person. I know a lot of people who are single and wonder why, my best recommendation is to really evaluate your life and quality.
But just remember, tribe, despite any flaws or shortcomings you may have that you think is keeping you single. I love each and every one of you. I hope this helped, I know it’s a lot of information to process but relationships are no easy task.
Vibe Higher,
Lobeless