I'm not dead yet.

I’ve been wanting to right this for a while now, but I’m not sure if it was fear or something else holding me back. But if I wasn’t honest with you, why would you come here to read what I have to say.

I’m struggling. Well, that’s an understatement. I’m drowning and I can’t scream. I’ve already screamed so much I have no voice left and the water is consuming my lung. That burning and I try to breathe and rise above but I can’t. I’m weighed down.

I’ve always heard that saying “If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.” But I don’t think I ever really knew what it meant until recently. When I’ve seen all these different broken systems surrounding me, and I have no words to truly say what I want to.

I’ve tried to fix the shattered system that had to exist at one time, little by little only to find myself lost in this Labyrinth.

I find myself being overwhelmed and stressed. It’s showing in my body, in my personal life, and in my mental state. I’m so lost that I don’t know if I can be found in my current situation. I’ve never been in a position where one thing consumes every single aspect of my life and it’s killing my passion.

So perhaps, it’s time for a fresh start?

Or some major revamps because while I’m drowning, occasionally I get my head above water and catch a breath of air.

But, how about I tell you what else is happening in life, where I’ve been, what I’m doing, you know the fun personal stuff.

Aside from work, I’ve been doing my reading and researching, I just haven’t found time to write when I close one night and open the next, I’m catching like four hours (if I’m lucky) of sleep and I’ve been dealing with a lot more medical issues. Work has its ups and downs. More downs but maybe it’ll turn around. I sure hope so, I feel like I could become a super valuable member to the company. I just wish I had more creative freedom or knew who to talk to so I could share these ideas. But then again, it would be their property and I doubt I would benefit.

I’m also beginning the process of starting my own DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) chapter here in Des Moines. If you’re not familiar, it’s a peer run support group for those who suffer with depression and bipolar disorder. There’s no twelve steps or anything. It’s a group of people who have or have had, family members are also welcome if they’d like to attain knowledge. It’s basically an open to all support group where we believe that everyone has value and the combined knowledge of the group is better than one person’s knowledge.

As the founder/president/whatever you want to call me, I currently plan on having a group session each week where I’ll bring one topic or idea to the group and everyone gives feedback or talks openly about it. Anything from everyday life, work, relationships to coping, medication side effects or thoughts on medication, to really anything. Obviously I have to make sure I can get enough people attending consistently, I’ll register as a nonprofit organization and thus, an official affiliate of DBSA.

If you know me, or you’ve gotten to know me through reading, I’m sure you can tell that I’ve become a leader as I’ve worked through my own recovery. I think that this will not only be incredibly fulfilling to me, but will be an excellent resource for others. Every support group I’ve attended, usually hospital funded or similar, is so serious and it’s always older people. I never feel like I could be part of the group. I’m more of a chameleon, and I think that will attract all ages and personality types.

I’m also looking into figuring out a “business” name and practicing reflexology. I very much believe it works and I’m able to practice without my massage license. I think every person has some kind of “purpose” in this world, or some kind of passion. But I don’t think that everyone pursues that passion, they’ve stopped chasing the things that will make them happy and have settled for the things that are easy and pay enough to get by. Every time I see people my age (in their mid-twenties) it seems like they work just to afford to party or drink or find random hook-ups. I’d rather start a revolution, spark passion, show compassion and kindness, and in general, try to better a world that seems to have hit a slump. It’s scares me to think of the younger generation, what will happen to them. Raised by screens, doctors making insane diagnoses on young kids, having everything digital. It freaks me out to think what the world will turn into.

And I’m working on a Lobeless Lady Revamp. A new logo is being designed for me by an amazing artist. I’m working on a new tagline, Vibe High has caught on too much (not sure what I expected) and I don’t want to follow a crowd. Plus, before that was what I was trying to do. To find happiness in the darkness, in my painful past, in others I find difficult, and so on. But now, I know how to do that. Everyone does, you just have to allow yourself to do so. Now I’m about creating a change.

I’m working on getting some entries together and would love to start using youtube more. I really enjoyed making that video for part 4 of Dangerous Love. I just need to figure out the webcam situation. I also hope that you understand, support, and stick around while I get new entries ready. I don’t want to post bland topics that really don’t matter. I don’t want to post just to post, I’ve never been that person and I don’t want to become that person. So be patient with me and know…

I’m alive, I’m starting a new chapter, which means you can expect much better entries and hopefully eventually videos. It’s time we slice through this chapter of purgatory and move on to so many better things. Thank you for supporting me and sticking through this with me. I cannot wait to reconnect again with all of you.

Spark your passion,

Lobeless