Don't tell me to calm down.

I dread walking in, punching the clock and awaiting being told what to do. I’m a take charge person, I thrive on fixing problems, on being that person that anyone can come to for advice, being the person you don’t need to tell what to do, I already know and I’m steps ahead of you.

But I lack training and communication to be the best person for the company. Instead I have to take extra time to find people for tasks, sign in’s, and anything else. Along with being an employee, I am a person. A person who for some reason seems to have their emotions turned on high.

Perhaps it’s that I work for a big company, or I feel like I’m failing at achieving anything, or I have incredible social anxiety, or I simply feel unprepared for what is expected of me. So naturally, I seek help. First I ask employees (I have no idea of my management chain level, just my department manager I feel I rarely see) and the employees don’t seem to know.

I speak with my department manager, telling him how I feel and I’m told to “calm down”, “you’re doing fine”, “you’ll catch on” and I feel discouraged. So I reach out to another stores HR department since we don’t have one. She says she’ll get in touch with the right people and they’ll talk to me when I’m back at work after a few days off.

I’m told by my department manager that the store manager is being emailed some forms. NONE of my problems solved or addressed. So when I go to get my check, the manager above him is there and I ask to talk.

We go into a closed office. I try to explain what’s going on, meanwhile his walkie is going off saying he has a phone call and an interview waiting and someone needs his help, and I know there’s no way he can actually HEAR me, understand what I’m saying, because his attention is scattered everywhere. Even though I’m sitting there bawling my eyes out for the fourth time at the store even though I’ve been working less than a month. “Calm down, you’ll get it, it takes time, you’re doing fine, people like you, just calm down and you’ll start to understand everything.”

Time and time again I am told to calm down.

STOP FUCKING TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN. IF I COULD CALM DOWN, I WOULD. DO YOU THINK I ENJOY CRYING IN FRONT OF MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHEN IF YOU CUT THROUGH THE ISSUES AND I STRAIGHT OUT TELL YOU I WANT TO BE A BETTER EMPLOYEE? I WANT HELP. I WANT RESOURCES. I DON’T WANT TO CALM DOWN.

Here’s what’s flashing through my head every time a person tells me to calm down when I’m emotional:

• Calm down is the polite way of telling me to shut up or you can’t deal with me

• You find my point isn’t valid and my feelings are not valid either

• You don’t hear me, you’re not listening, you have no idea what to tell me

• You’re not helping me, you’re commanding me to take control of my feelings and emotions because you refuse to acknowledge the request being presented to you

• My emotional state is deemed as negative by you and you are uncomfortable with that

• You are trivializing/ignoring/dismissing my inner experience making it invalid

You know what I need?

Other than you to stop telling me to calm down or chill out? I need a tangible solutions that will satisfy everyone and reduce these emotions. I need you to listen to me, not shut down conversation. I need open dialogue with people above me who care enough to talk to me, help me learn and succeed so extra time isn’t spent micromanaging me.

I’m crying and overreacting because I tried a calm approach more than once. I’m tired of not being heard. So my mind reverts to being loud, because it’s a whole lot harder to ignore. But you still are.

Sure, if you were someone I know and trust, I would tell you that you’re making me feel like I’m not important, my emotional and physical health isn’t important to you, you’re completely dismissing me as a worker but I don’t, because I realize it wouldn’t change anything. I worry more about keeping my job, because I’m constantly scared of being fired.

Relaxing on command is PHYSIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE if the person is already acutely stressed, too stressed to turn it around. While the body rapid responds to stress, an instant drowning, it actually can take anywhere from 20 to 60 minutes to return to a relaxed state.

It’s pretty simple to me, maybe you’ve just never considered it. If you would take the time, or make a specific time to talk with me, in a quiet room, not being constantly interrupted, I could form a full conversation telling you what I need to be successful. What I would like to see happen.

I would like to thank the company, those working with me or above me, for making me feel ashamed of having these feelings. For silencing me. For lowering my standards at work, which in turn reflects poorly on the company.

(But I also want to thank the co-workers that have helped build me, who have reinforced that I am a great worker. That they are happy to have me.)

If you had listened and worked with me, acknowledge my feelings, took the time to really understand, you would have a better person in the company, a better person working in the department you oversee, to shine a light on you when things improve, for making me doubt myself time and time again. I’m just a cog in the machine, a worker bee, I’m no longer Anastasia, I’m a black shirt and name tag who doesn’t possess the qualities needed to help anyone.

Seems like everyone I’ve met just passes the blame, when instead, I’d rather see everyone own up to their mistakes and work to fix problems that arise. I’m so much better than you’re allowing me to be, and you can’t say I haven’t tried.

Shame on you.