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Sad Girl Rant #2

  • Writer: Lobeless Lady
    Lobeless Lady
  • Apr 3, 2018
  • 4 min read

I guess it’s time for another sad girl rant. I promised to be open and honest with you all and these spur of the moment rants are a completely raw, unedited, open view inside my head.

So today I met with a psychiatrist (didn’t mean to end up go to one of those, my insurance website can be tricky) but luckily he was able to give me a diagnosis so when I eventually find a therapist and start a routine seeing one, I’ll know what to tell them, and hopefully learn some life skills. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and PTSD that started in very early childhood and has only got worse as the years go on and more traumatic things happen to me.

Tomorrow I go to get an MRI done on my shoulder. In urgent care they said it was tendentious of my rotator cuff. I was told the pain would go away or calm down, when it didn’t I went to see my normal doctor. She’s not sure what’s going on so I was sent to get x-rays so we could get an MRI. The bones all looked fine, so they want to see what’s going on inside. It’s been about three weeks and it gets more and more painful.

Mornings and nights are the worst. It’s hard to get out of bed, and everything else (showers, doing my hair or make-up even getting dressed) consists of me having to keep my dominant (right) arm in a weird almost t-rex arm to keep the pain away. When it’s really bad, I can’t hardly drive.

To top it off, my wrist has been acting up again and hurts just as much. It feels incredibly week too, when I bend it feels like it’s going to snap.

I’ve lost three jobs in a month. While looking for at home jobs, I realized indeed.com shows you how many jobs you’ve applied for. In the past four months I’ve applied for nearly 70 jobs and I’ve had maybe 5 interviews. I even added a cover letter explaining that for six years my health was taking a mental and physical toll on my life. That for the past six months I’ve been working on self-improvement, while I’ve seen the responses to my applications get better I’m still not getting a job.

I applied for unemployment but haven’t made enough the last two quarters working to allow me to qualify. When I called for more information on other programs, I didn’t qualify for any of those either and was directed to DHS. I checked the website and can’t seem to find any programs to help me. Obviously I’ll do more searches and check out other programs.

I can’t seem to catch a break, it seems. It’s like looking up to see the sun stinging your eyes, only to realize it’s storming and the brightness was lightening, Lightening close enough to burn you but not enough to kill you. (And sometimes my mind is so cluttered the only thing that stands out is “please strike me, please kill me)

I can’t help but think ahead, what the fuck am I going to do? How am I going to pay my bills? The last time I told my landlord I didn’t have rent but had just started a job so I would pay as soon as possible including the late fee, I was served an eviction notice with three days to vacate. My life has no backup, no where I can crash and stay, I might have somewhere I can stash my stuff but I might not.

This struggling is taking its toll on me. I don’t have many friends. I rarely leave my own apartment except to see the doctor. I’m a firm believer in “the world works itself out” and I’ve had that belief my entire life. Even so, I’ve been homeless before. I just need something to turn around, I need a change. I’ve done so much self-improvement, I’m finally starting to love myself, to be happy, to be more outgoing and running this blog (if anyone realized the real amount of work I put into each entry) has given me some purpose and something to work on and towards.

I hate these sad girl rants, but like I’ve said before, when something is stuck in your mind, you have to get them out.

Regardless of everything going on, I don’t stop or give up. I’ll call every number available, I’ll apply to a thousand jobs, because I will overcome this. This will make me stronger. There is a lesson to be learned even if I can’t see it right now. Without pain and hardship, there’s no growth.

So take it from me, when you feel like you’re going through hell, keep going. Let nothing stop you, don’t give up, don’t shut down. Allow yourself to feel the pain but don’t let it cripple you. Embrace, Grow, Learn, Adapt, Change, and Live.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeless


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