"I feel like I'd be better off dead"

“I feel like I’d be better off dead”

Those are the exact words I said to my mom just a few hours ago.

Disclaimer- I’m not suicidal right now. This was simply a statement. And I promised to be completely open and honest with you, this was a spur of the moment post because I want you to understand mental health as a mental health advocate.

If you know me, you know that I have a handful of mental issues and physical issues. Let’s check the list here: bipolar disorder, Disassociate Identity Disorder, PTSD, Social Anxiety, a heart condition, ulnar impaction syndrome, IBS, and ADHD. So what’s it like living with this and trying to keep a job with all of this going on.

It’s literally Hell. So far this month I have been released from 3 (possibly 4) jobs. IN ONE MONTH. On top of dealing with my issues, the effects that come from my issues, I have to worry about a job and money. Employers can only be so understanding but a job needs to be done and if you can’t come in one day or you’re slacking/have a bad attitude/whatever that all reflects on them and they can’t keep you.

I’ve tried almost every medication available, I’ve seen multiple therapists without any luck. I am constantly trying so hard to have a normal life that I don’t even know how to relax and have fun anymore. I’ve lost friends and family because they couldn’t handle it. People don’t want to deal with the negative parts from me.

I am a shell of the girl people knew. I may look like the same person but inside I’m torn apart. I’m overwhelmed, paranoid, scared, and so many other things. I don’t sound like myself, I can’t write the same anymore, I can’t go out and be social the way I was before, I am not myself.

I finally found a medication that works, good old fashion lithium. But I started a job this week cleaning. I love cleaning, it keeps my anxiety in check, gives me something to focus on and I have an eye for detail so it’s perfect. But what I didn’t know was all the sweat that I was producing was throwing my lithium levels off, probably to a poisoning or lethal level. I didn’t know until I couldn’t get up this morning and I felt so awful. I did my research and learned about the sweat changing the lithium level.

But perhaps it too late now, you’re not allowed to miss any days in the first 60 days of work. So I have to wait until the boss returns on Tuesday and they speak but it didn’t sound too positive for me.

I have trouble making friends. I spend most of my time alone. I own two cats but not many other people come over. I text a few people but I rarely hear anyone else voice. So I do wish I was dead at times. A human can only be alone so much, be fired from so many jobs, worry about money constantly, and deal with life constantly.

Mental Illness has affected my life in more ways than I can count and I want to be better so badly. Mental illness is the monster that follows me everywhere I go. It’s the one that makes me pick up a razor when I was self-harming. It’s the one who tells me I’m worthless. It’s the one who makes me scared to death to go in public alone. It’s the thing I feel is stalking me so I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.

Holding a job, keeping friends and sometimes even staying sane seems completely impossible. I understand why people self-medicate becoming alcoholics or drug addicts then end up homeless. I’ve struggled to pay bills, I’ve had to sell almost everything worth value to make rent and this constant voice says what are you even fighting for? You haven’t had a normal life or a steady job since 2014.

The lithium worked, finally after more drugs than I can count. But if I have any hope of keeping this job, I have to stop it. When the struggle is between being mentally healthy or financially steady, I have to choose finance. It’s a horrible choice to make but what other one do I have?

So be careful judging people because you have no idea what’s going on inside. Mental illness is a battle you can’t win, only manage, and not everyone can manage it. We can try though.

Vibe Higher,

Lobeless